I think I'm at one of my low points. I have a horrible attitude towards swimming right now.
It doesn't help I'm not getting enough sleep (kudos to my roommate and her silly model friend who is "visiting to see if she wants to come here." She's been here to stay before. All she does is hang out with my roommate, or if my roommate has class, she stays in my dorm and plays on the computer...ALL DAY [so I can't really sneak in and take a nap, which is what I do when I'm desperate.] Wouldn't you want to go explore? You have time! Do it for me!!!).
It doesn't help that I have classes everyday from 8:30 to 1.
It doesn't help that I have to work my butt off four hours a day.
And that I'm required to study in a certain building for a certain amount of time.
I'm never outside.
I never get to read, to have leisure time, to enjoy myself, to explore new interests, unless it's Saturday evening or Sunday.
I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of being fast. Why can't I be left behind when we do travel meets? I wouldn't mind that much.
I'm starting to wonder if it's all worth it. Is it worth being so tired in class that I don't even really absorb the lectures? Is it worth spending my time with people who think it's funny to be crude all the time? Is it worth sacrificing so much time and sense of self-worth for a sport I'm not even sure I love anymore? Is it really worth it?
I don't even have time to just slow down and think and meditate and reflect.
I miss those things I'd do when I was younger, just riding my bike for fun in the fall in the neighborhood. Enjoying (but doing the required whining) the hikes we went on. Cross country skiing. Looking at the leaves. Fall really brings back lots of pleasant memories.
I'm told I have plenty of time to do this later in life, now is my time to swim fast. I know I'll look back on this blog and think what a whiner I was.
I don't know. I'm just ranting here at the study center, because if I were in the dorms, I think I'd throw out my roommate's friend and take a nap.
I think I'm just exhausted. Hopefully these feelings will pass.
9 comments:
I'm sorry things aren't going so well, and I don't know what to say that will make it better-except I am glad that I played soccer. Yes, you miss out on a lot of things, but I learned a lot also. I don't know if you can compare the two, I think you have to work a lot harder at swimming, but anyway, have fun at study hall and keep smiling!
OK--it says in your handbook that guests can stay only a limited time-and they need the roommate's permission. Tell your roommate the guest leaves, turn out the lights at 9:30 and take a little bit of charge.
I am sorry you are feeling low. Anything we choose to do in life means that we miss out on other things.
I wish I could find that stupid magic wand somewhere...
Okay, the non-athlete talking. College is full of lows and highs, mid-terms and breaks. I am grateful that I got to explore all my many interests in college, and develop a few more on the way. Take a minute to sit under a tree and maybe you'll figure things out! "Giving Tree" always has the answers.
WOW! You wrote (typed, I guess) every thought of my freshman year! You got every one! Sometimes I still don't know whether it was worth it or not. I guess everyone just has to work it out in thier own heads...
Natalie! I don't know what to say, but I want to comfort you. Hmmmmm, just keep your head up, show confidence, oh yeah, and read your scriptures. :)
welcome to the adult world
From one of the mere mortals who looks up to the Goat:
I wish that I would have put forth the effort and swam four years in college.
No matter what you do, you have to put up with whiners, slackers, those with lower standards, and those who work harder, enjoy life more, and seem to have the midas touch. I bet that you are the three latter for your room mate and team mates.
Oh-Oh--jamison is showing old person's perspective....Just how old are you now days, anyhow?
Hummm...all I can think to say is that I wish I could have lived in your shoes for a day. I remember in college thinking that the athletes had it made.
Someone to tell them what, when and how to do everything...me? I basically was my own cheerleader. I'm probably not the best example being the fact that i never graduated...but I do know that often I wished that I had a better understanding on how to be successful at school.
Just think, you know who you are and that you won't be swimming forever. Make the best of it I'm certain you won't regret it.
The things that stretch us the most seem to make us a much better person. I look up to you nat!
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