DONE!!!

So, I didn't do as well as I hoped, but I'm still pleased with my performance. I did well, except for a couple of "chokes," where I was so tense and nervous that I didn't perform to my full capacity. I got no new personal best times, but I was right on the mark, which surprised me after training half the season on a bike. I thought it was pretty impressive I was almost as quick as I was last year on a good(ish) shoulder. :)

On Friday night, right before my 200 free, I was all alone on a black carpet, black curtains surrounding me. (It's the "prep" room for the finalists in events, and the others hadn't shown up yet.) Trying to calm down and relax, I was flat on my back, eyes shut, and all of a sudden a beautiful song was being blared on the speakers. (I assume it was blaring because I can't really hear, and I could hear this perfectly.) I never really heard it before (and you'll be shocked to know that because EVERYONE knows this song apparently), but it was "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond. When I get back, I'm going to borrow a few CD's from the library. :)

Speaking of which, any musicians that I should know about? (I can't hear well, so I have to meticulously discover them myself, even if I've heard their stuff hundreds of times on the radio or whatnot I usually don't hear it very well, so I just tune it out...) They can be old or new, I like the ones my friends have suggested so far!!!

Stutter

All of a sudden it hit me. I'm excited in a scared nervous way.
Conference is next week. The "big meet" is NEXT WEEK. On the doorstep, knocking with a rotting gloved hand. Grinning at me with yellow long jagged teeth, eyes hidden under a hood, asking me "are ye ready?" (Yeah, I'm taking a creative writing class)
Looking deep down inside, I don't know the answer.

I'm inclined to ask myself often, "am I ready?" "Did I really put the work I needed to into it?" Usually every year I can say "I've done my best, I'm ready."

This year? Not so much. Thanks to my shoulder, I had a much different experience training this year. About half of it was out of the water on a bike. And when I was in the water, some days my shoulder would hurt, so I'd just kick. Other days, my shoulder didn't necessarily HURT, but the length of the set was tiring for the shoulder, which has probably lost much of its endurance muscles. So. Am I really ready for this meet? Do I really deserve to be on these relays? Or will I simply let my teammates down? I know I will do my best, and that's all I can do...but after pulling off a better performance than I expected last year, how can I maintain that level this season? Or should I not compare this season to last?

Stupid crackling shoulder. Makes me stutter with wonderings and doubt.

Poem for class

So, I meant to e-mail this to myself to save it, but e-mail isn't working for some weird reason. So I'm just putting this here for now. You don't have to read it. If you do, keep in mind, that a lot of history is meshed together. :)


I emerge from my dark dwelling into
the bright whiteness of day.
Snow flutters, clings, falls,
dances, catches, smashes into cement,
turning spotless white into dull grey.
Look up! Watch the ballet…Smack!
Some dancers collide with your eye,
making it cold, wet, and teary.
Tears rush, gush, hot onto your face.
Stupid parrot. Stupid toy parrot.
It was December 17, 1994,
my fifth birthday. Pink candles
illuminated my chocolate cake,
layers of vanilla ice cream drizzled
down the sides, making it so good.
Make a wish, blow out the flames.
See the fire fight, flutter, struggle, die.
Smoke sizzles, rising into the air, forgotten.
Blue crinkly wrapping paper hide
your surprise from your mom.
Seize it! Tear it! Discover the inside!
It’s red, yellow, blue! A toy parrot
lodged on a plastic brown log.
The most important part is the red button.
Press it, and record, and the parrot will
say anything you say. It’s your friend!
I yank it out, push the round red and say—
“Natalie’s a smelly old goat!”
My older brother and sisters yell.
“Natalie’s a smelly old goat!”
The bird shrieks into my ears.
“Natalie’s a smelly old goat!”
I slam the bird down, and run outside
crying, howling, and sniffling snot.
Gaze at the white sparkly snow on the ground.
Sparkly it is. Blinding, too.
The sun illuminates everything.
Wipe the snow from your eye, and chuckle.
You were but five years old.
Inhale the coldness, enjoy the briskness.
Remember what you wished for?
“I wished for my older brother and sisters
to respect me, even though I’m the youngest.”
You didn’t get your wish. No.
Crying out in the cold, you were mad.
I’m not spoiled because I’m the youngest!
Just think, the youngest child often has to
stay behind, while the others leave the nest.
The youngest has to take care, clean up.
The youngest has to be the “good one.”
I can’t make any mistakes, because they
already made them all! No room for me.
And they get to leave before me, and I’ll be
All alone in this house. Rooms will be empty…
Empty rooms. The house is very empty.
Mom and Dad and I are best friends now.
We enjoy each others’ company.
The house seems full, despite four empty bedrooms.
Four siblings all grown up and married.
And I am the only one left.
I will be the only one left!
I turn and charge into the house.
I want to enjoy the time I do have
with my older brother and sisters!
I target Ricky first, because he’s the oldest.
I bleat loudly and head butt his rear.
First he’s shocked at my tear stained face,
but then he laughs with the rest, and we
wrestle on the floor, one happy family.
The parrot lies forgotten, yelling
“Natalie’s a smelly old goat!”
Today is December 17, 1994,
And it’s the best birthday I’ve ever had.

Everything is Illuminated

I forgot all about this movie: During a travel meet in San Diego, I ran across this on the TV in the hotel. Everyone else was napping for five hours, so I watched it quietly. I wanted to learn more, and the book sounds much better than the movie was. But the movie was also done pretty well. I think I liked it more than I should have because it deals with the past, specifically WWII. I've always been fascinated by stories of the Holocaust, about recovering the histories of the people who suffered.

The plot of the movie as described by imdb.com

"A young Jewish American flies to the Ukraine in search of his grandfather's past. He has a photograph and the name of a village. He hires the Odessa Heritage Tours, made up of a gruff old man and his English-speaking grandson. The three, plus grandfather's deranged dog, travel in an old car from Odessa into Ukraine's heart. Jonathan, the American, is a collector, putting things he finds into small plastic bags, so he will remember. Alex, the interpreter, is an archetypal wild and crazy guy. Alex asks the old man, "Was there anti-Semitism in the Ukraine before the war?" Will they find the village? The past illuminates everything."

I love the way it's filmed, the visuals are stunning. There's a perfect balance of humor and seriousness. I wouldn't recommend watching it with young ones, though. Can't remember perfectly, but there's a couple of scenes (or comments?) that just weren't necessary.

(This is one of my favorite scenes from the movie, they have stopped at a hotel for the night. Of course, there's some stereotypes, but I thought it amusing that if you don't eat meat, that means there's something seriously wrong with you. I think the first two minutes are plenty.)





An amusing quote:

"Make sure to secure the door when I am gone. There are many dangerous people who wanna take things from Americans, and also kidnap them. Good night! " (Alex to Jonathan (the American) after showing him his hotel room.)

So if one night you are extremely bored, go ahead and check this out in the library.

But I look forward to watching "A Man For All Seasons" someday. I heard it's really good from a lot of people I respect. :)

MRI

As most of you well know, I've been having problems with my left shoulder for the past year and a half. My coach wants me to get surgery asap right after NCAA's (if I make it that far). So a couple of Fridays (Jan 30th) ago, I had an MRI. Very interesting experience. I discovered that MRIs are both underrated and overrated. I got some dye injected into my shoulder to add some contrast so tears would show up better if there were any. The doctor had me lie down on a bed, and put an x-ray machine over, that displayed my bones then and there live! She had a metal rod, and was moving it around my shoulder, looking for the best entrance for a needle to get straight to the joint. After picking a spot, she put a bunch of sanitizing gunk on my shoulder that turned it yellowish-rust. Then injected some stuff into my shoulder.

Then I proceeded to the MRI itself. I had to take out my hearing aids, since they have metal in them, and I was putting my body into a big white magnetic coffin. Having to hold perfectly still for 20 minutes wasn't that hard, since I had no room to move. The ceiling of the coffin was about two inches from my face, so I'm pretty sure I was cross-eyed when my eyes were open. (About 90% I just rested my eyelids.)

After getting all that done, I waited impatiently Monday for results. The doctor was out til Thursday!

I finally got my results on Friday (the 6th), I expected to hear that they found nothing. That's what happened to a few swimmers, but when they scoped, they actually found something. With me, however, they found a labral tear. I don't know how little or big it is, etc., I'm hoping to get the MRI images from my doctor so I can take a peek myself. Or at least get a meeting with my doctor so we know what's going on, and exactly what he thinks.

The most relieving thing about all this? Now I know it's not mental. Sometimes I was convinced it was.

Turning into a...geek? Nerd? What's the difference?

Okay, maybe I was already a nerd.

But for my math class, we had to buy software for our computer called Maple, officially called Maplesoft, but everyone calls it maple.

It is a fun program to play with! It can integrate, differentiate, solve, graph, plot, draw slope lines, etc. for any equation you can think of! (Well, most of them.) And I find myself starting to play with it in my free time instead of watching TV or playing games. (Not that I get much free time...)

Yay for being a nerd!!

We all had longer hair once

I swear mom and dad haven't aged a day.

Okay, Megan, I apologize for teasing you in the last two posts that involve pictures. These are beautiful. I hope that makes you feel better.